today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
