He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
