i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
