It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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