You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
