I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
