i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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