does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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