You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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