you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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