hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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