I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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