Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We are all done wearing pants today
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize