My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
