Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Vodka?
Forever.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
