my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
