I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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