I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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