She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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