Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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