It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
