First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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