You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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