Tell her she can't have a vagina
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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