I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
