i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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