I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
