My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't deserve a penis
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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