There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
