Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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