I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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