Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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