The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
