You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
