I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
