he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
