So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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