my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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