Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
