The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So vagazzling was a success
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
