***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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