Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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