Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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