Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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