The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
