I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
