Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
