you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
