Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
accomplished twins. life is a go
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
