I'm sorry my penis didn't work
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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