I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
