My underwear smells like fireworks.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
