No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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