Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
