i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
