The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
