I hate your face
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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