Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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