she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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