I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
