Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
