your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
