fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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