I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
