why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We don't watch enough power rangers
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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