i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
