just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
