I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
They have beer where we have blood.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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