You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
