I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
