Tell her she can't have a vagina
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
