I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
