she smelled like a LAN party
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
